I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
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Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
What a year we’ve had this week.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house