If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
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At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
When someone trying to leave me
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)