I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
You Might Also Like
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
So that’s what we looked like?
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.