We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
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I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Has there ever been a more American story?
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
how high up are we talkin’?
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out