UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
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My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.