Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
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Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
The Sun
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.