i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
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I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Hell yeah 👍
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.