#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
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Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
I created you as mosquito food.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore