NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
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[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Bring back the McRib
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.