mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
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Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
This did not end as expected.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.