Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
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Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Worth the read.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
My ideal weight is five million dollars
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People