The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
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That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not