Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
You Might Also Like
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.