Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
You Might Also Like
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
But is it really??
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now