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When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.