The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
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Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
multitasking lunch
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.