People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
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I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.