*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
You Might Also Like
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
A short story of betrayal:
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.