Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
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My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]