Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
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Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Somewhere in an alternate universe
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.