My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
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I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
“and how does that make you feel?”
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”