I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
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[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
I’m literally crying
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Plant care tips
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.