Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
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A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Accurate
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.