friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
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Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.