Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
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Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?