“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
You Might Also Like
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
my retirement plan is braless
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
me linking you to my twitter
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself