Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
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I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”