2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
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being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Effort made
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard