Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
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“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you