Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
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Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
You wish you had this many chins.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.