I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
You Might Also Like
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Based Erika
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics