Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
You Might Also Like
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Don’t forget to tip your server
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.