i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
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I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Breaking news:
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.