Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
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Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”