Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
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[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
North and South
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse