No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
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[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*