[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
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“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys