Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
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Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Squirrels before girls.