Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
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Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Well, this is awkward
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.