Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
You Might Also Like
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.