How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
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Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away