Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
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me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.