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My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Same post same
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes