If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
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5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
welcome back
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.