“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
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Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions