Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
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I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.