*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Only short people can save us
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned