Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
You Might Also Like
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
There is no “we” in pizza
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium