It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
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Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time