“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
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Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance